Self Esteem

Exploring the underlying psychological concepts of self esteem was very helpful for me in my journey to self improvement. Self esteem and feelings of inadequacy have always been struggles of mine for as long as I can remember. When I started looking into improving my well being, I looked initially into self respect. Along those lines, I found one of the works of Dr. Nathaniel Branden called The Six Pillars of Self Esteem. Dr. Branden did a wonderful job of breaking down self esteem and explaining it in very relatable terms. Something I found very endearing as well was that he included several experiences from his own life as they related to the principle he was discussing. This book helped shed some light on a concept that has evaded me until now. To be honest, after the first read through and reflecting on the principles, I felt a subtle but noticeable improvement in how I felt about myself. I am excited to share this book with readers, not only as a way to encourage them to read the book themselves but also as a way for me to further cement the principles in my mind so I can work towards improving my own self esteem.

Dr. Branden breaks down self esteem into two core aspects: self efficacy and self respect. Self efficacy is defined as essentially confidence in the functioning of one's mind, one's ability to think, understand, and learn as well as trust in one's ability to use what we know to solve life's everyday problems. Self respect is the belief that one's thoughts, ideas, and goals have value and are worth working towards. True self esteem is not competitive; it doesn't seek to be better than anyone else but rather a motivator to seek awareness and reality. Self esteem tends to be self fulfilling either way you look at it. For example, if you don't trust your mind, you will not behave consciously, leading to bad decisions, which will reinforce the initial thought that your mind is not to be trusted. On the other hand, if you trust your mind, you behave consciously, make better decisions, reinforcing the idea that your mind can be trusted to handle life's challenges. There is a quote from the book I would like to share because it really resonated with me. "If my aim is to prove that I am "enough", then the project goes on to infinity- because the battle was already lost the day I conceded the issue was debatable." This statement made me breathe a sigh of relief. It had to be spelled out like that in order for me to even accept the possibility that I was enough. This was my starting point. Truly believing for at least a small amount of time that I am good enough. Dr. Branden further breaks down self esteem into six "pillars" or principles that make up and generate positive self esteem.

The first pillar that Dr. Branden discusses is the practice of living consciously. The principle of living consciously is essentially making actions and decisions thoughtfully and with a sense of direction as opposed to just going through the motions. We make thousands of choices daily without even a thought, which is fine considering our brains are designed to automate a lot of smaller decisions to save energy for the bigger challenges we face in a day. Consciously looking at our behaviors, however, can provide some insight into this allowing us to make a change if we want. An example for me is my choice of breakfast in the morning. There was a time where I would have a large Red Bull and greasy breakfast sandwich every morning before work. Not necessarily healthy and at around $10 every morning (30 x 10=300), not really fiscally responsible either. I would say I wanted to be healthy and save money and I couldn't figure out why I felt pudgy and always broke. When I began taking little steps to be more conscious about my decisions, I began to see some of the incongruency in my daily decisions. It took some effort but I was able to find alternatives that suited my goals more efficiently. Starting small is fine and actually preferred. Dr. Branden points out in the book that no one is conscious 100% of the time so striving to be 5 percent more conscious in your daily activities is a great start. This will inevitably lead to some positive changes, improving self esteem, which in turn will motivate one to be more conscious once your new choices begin to be more habitual.

The second pillar of self esteem discussed in this book is the principle of self acceptance. Dr. Branden writes that these two concepts are often viewed as synonymous but it is important to understand there is a strong distinction. Self acceptance is being able to accept the reality of one's state as one is currently. He makes it very clear that this does not mean you have to like the state of yourself at this moment but that is not the point. The point is to accept where you are at this moment and then that is the starting point from where you can make changes if you so desire. Dr. Branden argues that no meaningful change will ever stick if you don't have a realistic view of yourself. Self acceptance is not having an adversarial relationship with yourself. If you refuse to accept what your senses are telling you about yourself, you are essentially not trusting your own senses which is anti self esteem. For me personally, this meant accepting aspects of my character that I would vehemently deny about myself such as my arrogance, ignorance and the hypocrisy of my behaviors. Accepting these things, again, is not condoning or liking them; it is merely understanding this is where I am at this moment and if I want to improve in those areas that is where I have to begin.

The third principle for self esteem is self responsibility. As the name implies, this principle refers to the personal accountability one must take for the things that happens in one's life. Dr. Branden encapsulates this principle very simply with one phrase, "No one is coming". If you want a change in your life, you are the one that is going to have to make it. While there are some things that are outside of our control, a large part of what happens to us is a direct result of the actions and choices we make. It is the understanding that your mind is the driver of your body through the highways of life. This was a principle I didn't accept until recently unfortunately. I took a very passive role in the direction my life was going and allowed others to influence me negatively. I rationalized it as being adaptable and fun but in reality I was scared to take charge of my life. Once I realized this, I finally put down the proverbial shovel and began working towards getting myself out of the hole I had dug myself. I'm still not out of my hole yet but I am confident and determined to eventually, just as I am sure that anyone else who takes responsibility for themselves will get themselves out of their mess soon enough.

The next principle that Dr. Branden discusses is the practice of self assertiveness. Honestly I was a little surprised that assertiveness was tied to self esteem at first but it makes complete sense. Dr. Branden defines self assertiveness as essentially an inner belief, coupled with subsequent actions that reinforce it, that our life, thoughts, feelings and goals are worthy of acting on and fighting for. I really like his simplified phrase to conceptualize this, which is being "intelligently selfish". It means advocating for yourself not just to others but to yourself by your actions, such as saying no to activities that do not align with your goals, values, or well being. This is a hard one that I really have to consciously reinforce for myself and I have fallen short of this multiple times. This brings me to point out again that Dr. Branden points out several times throughout the book that these principles are guidelines and do not have to be followed perfectly in order to provide benefit. Small improvements over time will compound. Any meaningful change is difficult and will not happen overnight. One thing I can say is that I have developed a decent level of compassion for myself throughout this journey so far. I would constantly beat myself up over my mistakes, then just try to push the feelings aside. Through this, I have learned how relieving it is to just feel the emotions that come up, acknowledge them, and accept them. I had negative feelings about things that happened over ten years ago that I had not allowed to process or accept. These regrets and thoughts would plague me almost daily, which coupled with bad self talk about how I stupid I was to constantly ruminate over them, was something I had to fully process, accept and let go. Sure enough, those thoughts have decreased and now when it does pop up from time to time, I can acknowledge it and let it pass. I apologize for the tangent. Point being it will take time and effort and I say that humbly as I am still a work in progress myself.

The fifth pillar is the practice of living purposefully. This means acting on your goals and activities with intent. If you desire a good outcome, you need to think and act in ways that will increase the probability of a good outcome. The analogy Dr. Branden uses in the book is comparing our work life to our relationships. If you own a company and don't show up for work or do very little towards improving the company, there is not a good likelihood that this company will thrive. This makes sense, I'm sure, to pretty much anyone. Same thing with our relationships but many, myself included, seem to fall prey to the fallacy that good relationships just happen on their own or that love will be enough. I have plenty of experience putting in minimal to no effort in my relationships with others and have nothing to show for it. Obviously, putting in effort does not necessarily guarantee the outcome you want but I could argue it doesn't hurt your chances as much as not putting in effort does. Right up there with self assertiveness, this is another principle I humbly struggle with. I can see now and I truly believe that the grass is always greener where you water it. If you don't reach out and take initiative with friends and loved ones, your relationships with them will become stagnant over time. Of course, this comes with a level of discernment on your part for who are you going to allow access to you. Your time and attention are valuable and should be spent wisely on the people who matter most to you and support you fully.

The last pillar of self esteem is the practice of personal integrity. Personal integrity is living life based on your morals and values. It's about mind and actions being congruent with one another. If you value honesty and expect others to be honest with you, then your words and actions should align with that. However, if you preach honesty but constantly lie to others then that is an integrity breach. Dr. Branden argues that one of the rationalizing things we tell ourselves is only I will know that I am dishonest or that I exploit people. Saying this is essentially saying that other people's opinion of me matter than my own and your self esteem will suffer. Dr. Branden argues that no matter how much you try to avoid or deny the incongruencies in our thoughts, words and actions, it will take its toll on our well being one way or another. The more and more I thought about this principle, the more activities I realized that I was not doing in good faith or were incongruent with how I really felt. Another principle that I humbly need to work on regularly and consciously.

This book had touched me profoundly when I first read it. Something I had struggled to understand for a long time finally seemed achieveable and I started working on making small changes in my life. It wasn't until I read the book again to refresh my memory to write this blog did I realize that I had fallen off on some of my pillars. For me, going over it several times over time has helped me to maintain the principles in my head so I can consistently keep them in mind. Some days are better than others but my drive is always the same: to try to be at least 1% better today than I was yesterday.

One aspect I found very interesting is something that Dr. Branden called "reciprocal causation". This is defined as being uniquely positioned to lower or improve our self esteem. This means what is good for improving self esteem is also a manifestation of good self esteem and visa versa. For example, if you begin living more consciously, you begin to trust your mind, positive responses occur thus reinforcing the trust in your mind which improves self esteem. Conversely, if you live in a mental fog, your decisions will result in negative feedback, reinforcing the distrust in your mind which lowers self esteem. I have absolutely experienced this when I would play games on my phone during the day. I would forget things and not remember tasks, which would frustrate me and I did distrust myself from making good decisions, assuming something was wrong with me. Nothing was wrong with me; I was just constantly distracting myself, lowering my efficacy and effectiveness as a conscious being. I am definitely aware of this now so I work regularly to try and avoid. I have had to go as far as deleting games off my phone if I can't seem to get a handle on it.

I have first hand experience of how letting fear of the unknown, failure, and the opinions of others take control of my life, stopping me from pursuing my own goals. I allowed the fear and lack of faith in myself to question my own sanity and judgment. In the world as it is today, having low self esteem puts people at a huge disadvantage when our world is changing rapidly to a more individualistic society. One pretty much has to unequivocally believe in one's self, take risks, put one's self out there, and be able to persevere and persist through failure and hardship. With that said, I believe taking an active role in fostering positive self esteem in schools as early as possible is a vital step towards improving the overall mental, emotional and physical health of our children. I believe implementing strategies purposefully to nurture and promote positive self esteem, such as establishing healthy habits, setting goals, embracing positive morals, and a more individualized approach to learning would have a net beneficial impact for everyone across the board regardless of gender, race, socioeconomic status or overall ability. I believe this because self esteem is essentially an internal process and understanding of one's self, which when nurtured, can inspire people to get internal gratification and drive from accomplishing tasks, achieving goals, learning, thinking, and overcoming obstacles. Positive self esteem also gives one the strength and determination to overcome and persevere through adversity. I believe this drive is in every single one of us; it just needs to be awakened. If you have made it this far, I think it goes without saying that I absolutely encourage everyone to take the time and effort to dive deep into oneself to find the courage and strength to take an honest look at yourself, accept where you are right now, and commit to improving little by little, day by day. Don't do it for me or anyone else; do it for yourself because you are capable, enough and worthy of anything you want.

Make it a great day!!